WHY SO QUIET?

March 1st, 2010

People always wonder about the “quiet ones.” What could they be thinking? My peers have asked this question to me for years. With little eye contact, I gave them the usual excuses (“I don’t feel like talking”). No one knows the real reason why I am so quiet… until now.

It began when I was in Catholic school. I would rely on my parents and my brother to speak for me. They encouraged me to stand on my own and communicate with others, but it was difficult for me. In Catholic school, kids would pick on me because I was short and thin. They would scream at me so that I would make a sound. Even teachers would ask me to speak up, which made everyone burst out into laughter. I wasn’t sure how to take all this nonsense, and I wanted to scream my lungs out. I resorted to knocking over desks and chairs, even stomping the ground with my tiny feet to show how furious I was. This made my teachers and parents worry, but it made my peers laugh even more.

At twelve years old, I started wearing dark colors, painted my nails black, and covered my face with my hair. My parents and classmates thought it was weird, but all I wanted was for them to see that the darkness I was wearing on the outside was what I was feeling inside. I didn’t know how to express myself through words so I chose to wear dark clothes and makeup. No one got the message; instead, I was labeled “The Grudge,” “The Ring,” and “Goth Girl.”

It became worse in Middle School. More and more people started bullying me. I remember one time when two girls were walking behind me while I was on my way to class. Each step I took, they kicked my feet so I would trip. When they wouldn’t stop, I ran away to a stairwell and cried my eyes out. I was so confused, and when my teachers asked me what happened, I didn’t say a word. Another student who saw what happened ended up telling the teacher what she saw and from that point on, everyone called me a “cry baby”. I felt like it was my fault people called me hurtful names because I was so emotional. If only I had learned how to speak up.

As high school came around, I felt the emotions I kept bottled up were bound to explode at any moment. Everyone knew I didn’t talk much so they would try to intimidate me by calling me hurtful names. Although I had new friends I could talk with, I still didn’t feel secure about how I was feeling. The frustration and anger soon transformed into thoughts of revenge and hate. I wanted everyone in the whole world to just shut up!

What made me tell my story was when Erahm Christopher came to my school and presented TEEN TRUTH LIVE: BULLY & SCHOOL VIOLENCE. Before the presentation, I thought to myself, “No one will take this seriously. They’re just too full of themselves.” I was wrong.

During every minute of the film and every word Mr. Christopher spoke, I tried hard to hold back my tears because I didn’t want my peers to see me become emotional, but I ended up crying on my friend’s shoulder. The flashbacks came before me: the friends who betrayed my trust, the tears I cried, the yelling that echoed the walls, and most importantly, the silence I lived in that had hurt so many of my loved ones.

The last words Mr. Christopher told us were, “If you’re not making a difference, you’re doing NOTHING!” At the end of the presentation I walked up to Mr. Christopher and told him how much I was inspired by the life-changing experience. The difference I want to make is to express myself to others. When I grow up, I want to be a writer that creates stories about characters that struggle with the same problems I faced because I know others can relate. I want others to realize that they are not alone. When I told Mr. Christopher about my plan, he suggested that I write a blog for the TEEN TRUTH LIVE website. So this is it, this is my first step towards making a difference in my life and the lives of those around me.

I am now working on a novel and I hope that my story will help someone find his or her voice as TEEN TRUTH LIVE helped me find mine.